I Numbed Out to Stay Chosen

I didn’t feel safe,
but I smiled anyway.
I didn’t feel ready,
but I said yes anyway.
I didn’t feel okay,
but I convinced myself that being wanted was enough.

So I stayed.
Not because it felt right,
but because it felt like if I left—
no one else would choose me.

And to be chosen,
I learned how to go numb.

The Myth of Being Chosen

There’s a particular ache that comes from believing love must be earned.
From being told, directly or indirectly,
that your worth depends on how small you can make yourself,
how quiet, how easy,
how agreeable you can be.

So when someone finally chooses you,
especially when love has always felt distant or conditional,
you grip it like oxygen.
You stop asking:
Do I feel safe?
Do I feel seen?
Do I even feel good in this?

Instead, the only question becomes:
How can I keep them?

Becoming Who They Want

In the name of love,
I became shapeable.
I read their moods before they said a word.
I swallowed my reactions to keep the peace.
I edited myself—
my needs, my thoughts, my instincts.

And when something inside me screamed no,
I silenced it.
Because being chosen felt like survival.
And survival doesn’t have time for self-trust.

So I numbed.
Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually.
Not out of strength—
but out of fear.

Numbing Is Not Consent

Let’s be clear:
Freezing is not the same as agreeing.
Shutting down is not the same as safety.
Nodding along while dying inside
is not love.

But when your nervous system is in survival mode,
you don't speak.
You scan.
You conform.
You perform.
You smile.

And you wait for the moment when it finally feels safe to say what you really feel.
But sometimes, that moment never comes.
So you just keep performing.

Until one day you realize—
you don’t know where the performance ends
and where you begin.

The High Cost of Staying Numb

The cost wasn’t just exhaustion.
It was disconnection.

Disconnection from my body.
From my intuition.
From joy.
From desire.
From anger that had nowhere to go.
From truth that had no room to live.

I became the girl who said she was fine—
even when she was disappearing.
I became the woman who looked confident—
even when she couldn’t feel anything at all.

Because numbness is deceptively functional.
You get things done.
You look composed.
You survive.
But you are not alive.

The Fear Beneath the Numbness

It wasn’t just about being liked.
It was about fearing that if I said no—
if I showed discomfort,
if I asked for space,
if I looked too human—
I would be rejected.
Left.
Abandoned.
Replaced.

So I stayed silent in rooms that didn’t feel good.
I stayed in arms that didn’t feel safe.
I smiled at touches that didn’t feel welcome.
Not because I wanted to,
but because I didn’t know I could leave
and still be loved.

Unlearning the Need to Be Chosen

The moment of awakening didn’t come with fireworks.
It came in stillness.
In the quiet space after yet another moment
where I dissociated to make someone else comfortable.

And I heard something deep within me whisper:
“This is not what love is supposed to feel like.”

Love should not require anesthesia.
It should not demand disembodiment.
It should not reward your absence from yourself.

So I began returning.
Not to them—
but to me.

Choosing Myself Without Apology

I started feeling again.
Which meant crying.
And trembling.
And feeling like a mess.
But it also meant coming home to myself.

I stopped asking,
Will they still choose me if I say this?
and started asking,
Do I still choose myself if I don’t?

That shift changed everything.

I no longer want to be chosen
if the price is my silence.
I no longer want to be touched
if my body isn’t singing yes.
I no longer want love
if it requires me to vanish.

You Deserve to Be Fully Here

To anyone who has ever gone numb to stay wanted—
I see you.
I know the strength it takes
to pretend you're okay
when every part of you is aching.

You deserve love that welcomes your feelings,
not just your compliance.
You deserve presence that doesn’t ask you to perform.
You deserve to be chosen
by you,
first and always.

Come home.
Feel again.
Say no.
Scream.
Shake.
Reclaim your voice.
Reclaim your body.

You were never meant to be numb.
You were meant to feel everything—
and still be loved.

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