The Happiness Myth We’re All Buying Into, According to One Expert
Dr. Waldinger has a few simple steps for rediscovering meaning in life.
If you ask most people what they want out of life, the answer usually includes something like “I just want to be happy.” But after nearly a century of studying what really makes life fulfilling, Dr. Robert Waldinger, psychiatrist and director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, says we’re aiming at the wrong target.
Despite what social media, corporate culture, and hustle culture tell us, happiness isn’t about achievements or metrics. More money, more followers, more accolades, these so-called “badges of achievement,” don't add up to lasting satisfaction. During a recent panel at The New York Times Well Festival. Waldinger said this pursuit is misguided, and it may be keeping us from what truly matters.
The Real Source of Fulfillment
So if happiness doesn’t come from external success, where does it come from? According to Waldinger—and nearly 80 years of research—the answer is simple, if not easy. During the panel, he explained that relationships and purpose are at the core of fulfillment.
Whether it’s with family, friends, romantic partners, or even colleagues, real happiness stems from connection. And not just casual contact, but meaningful engagement and checking in with people, showing up, listening, and caring. Waldinger says it’s about building a “bedrock of social well-being.”
Through years of personal exploration and research, Dr. Waldinger came to a realization that echoes ancient wisdom: true fulfillment lies in being fully present and connected to something greater than oneself, a core teaching of Zen Buddhism. This understanding took on deeper meaning when, at 47, he found himself confronting the classic midlife question: “Is this all there is?”
Rather than sinking into despair, the happiness expert found clarity and direction through Zen. “Zen practice brought me back to the truth of just this moment,” he shared.
A Midlife Reality Check (That Might Actually Help)
Around 47, Waldinger hit a wall many people know well. It was a questioning phase, where success didn't feel as satisfactory as it used to. In search of answers, he reached a turning point when he stopped running from life’s basic truths and started facing them head-on. Waldinger found clarity in a Zen chant that became his personal mantra:
“I am of the nature to grow old. There is no way to escape growing old. I am of the nature to have ill health. There is no way to escape having ill health. I am of the nature to die. There is no way to escape death.”
While that might sound grim at first, Waldinger found it freeing. “Somebody is finally telling the truth,” he said. His takeaway was for people to stop sweating the small stuff and ask themselves a powerful question: “Does this really matter?” Most of the time, it doesn't.
Reset Your Priorities
During the panel, he shared a few simple steps for resetting your priorities when it comes to finding true meaning.
- Stop chasing happiness: Instead, invest in relationships and engage in what’s meaningful to you.
- Try small, intentional acts of connection: It turns out a quick 10-minute call or even a text to someone you care about can go a long way. Research shows these simple moves help you stay connected and build what experts call a “bedrock of social well-being.” Basically, the more you check in, the stronger your network, and your wellbeing.
- Explore mindfulness or meditation: These practices can help you connect with yourself, stay grounded, and appreciate the present moment.
- Don’t ignore discomfort. Questioning your life’s direction isn’t a crisis, see it as an opportunity to find what is meaningful to you. Waldinger encourages asking yourself “how would you like to spend your waking hours of the day?”
The Takeaway: Happiness Isn't a Destination
As Waldinger sees it, the biggest myth is that happiness is a destination. According to him, it's not something you get by accumulating more; it’s something that comes when you live with connection and purpose. “You won’t be happy all the time,” he says, “but happiness is likely to find you more often.”
So, the next time you feel like you’re falling behind in the race for success, pause. Call a friend. Reflect on what truly matters. Because a life well lived might not be as quantifiable as we want it to be. Both research and human experience show it's built through moments of presence, purpose, and meaningful connections.
