How to emotionally recover after being scammed

Debbie Deem has spent the past four decades helping crime victims, including a stint as a victim specialist for the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

She's worked with people who've experienced assault, trafficking, and terrorism, among other horrific crimes. Retired since 2019, she's now a volunteer advocate and coach who focuses on what she describes as transnational fraud victim assistance.

Deem prefers the term "transnational fraud" over scam, because she believes it more accurately describes how organized international criminal networks and gangs use sophisticated methods in order to steal money and valuable data from their targets.

"Increasingly, there is recognition that anyone can be defrauded by these networks, just by employing differing psychological tactics," Deem says.

This context is often absent from discussions about digital financial crimes, and victims can pay an emotional price as a result, Deem says. Fraud victims seek help from law enforcement or adult protective services, or support from a loved one, clergy member, or therapist, but because of the stigma and blame associated with the crime may be treated as foolish or incompetent instead.

In addition to feeling intense emotions like embarrassment, despair, and betrayal, the added isolation of judgement often only worsens a victim's mental health, Deem says.

Yet Deem helps victims and their families focus on their recovery, connecting them to as many resources as she can marshal. While the process of rebuilding their well-being may seem daunting, experts says fraud victims can incorporate a number of strategies to boost their confidence and restore their sense of purpose in life.

Figure out your needs

More than a third of Americans have been defrauded or scammed in the past year, according to the results of Bankrate's latest financial fraud survey. Among those victims, two in five people were robbed of their money. Thieves stole sensitive information as well.

Despite the prevalence of fraud, Deem says that some victims don't tell anyone what happened to them. They may feel ashamed or rightly worried about a loved one's critical response. In Deem's experience, family members of older victims sometimes look at their loved one differently, and decide that they're unable to take care of themselves because of cognitive issues.

But living in silence as a victim can also lead to challenges with getting practical help and emotional support. Victims may not realize they can report fraud to local law enforcement, state adult protective services, the Federal Trade Commission, and the FBI's Internet Crime Complaint Center. They might be less inclined to use services like AARP's Fraud Watch Network, which hosts a hotline that offers tips for avoiding scams and what steps to take if you've been victimized.

Deem says that every victim has different needs in their recovery. For people who've been defrauded by an imposter who posed as someone trustworthy, like a law enforcement officer or love interest, the sense of betrayal and subsequent paranoia can run deep.

Often, if the scheme was designed around frequent, even daily, engagement with the imposter, a victim will need help identifying how that relationship was fulfilling so that they can find something else to replicate it.

Once they feel ready, some victims decide to receive training in order to support victims who are just coming to terms with the fraud they experienced. Others find renewed life purpose in new activities or hobbies that make them feel useful or special.

"The most critical thing and the hardest thing...is what to replace that behavior, relationship, or reason to get up in the morning [with]," Deem says.

Don't blame yourself

Anyone can be the victim of fraud, says Dr. Anthony Pratkanis a professor emeritus of psychology at the University of California at Santa Cruz.

Pratkanis has conducted extensive research on scammers and victims. He's never identified a victim profile, which he believes is because criminals who practice fraud use social influence as a key weapon.

To a bystander, the fraud may often seem obvious. But a criminal's skills of deception and persuasion, for example, can be so good that they're able to convincingly play a new Facebook friend or trustworthy investment counselor for the only audience that matters: the victim.

"Everything is designed to make it so you can't tell," Pratkanis says. "That's probably the single most difficult thing about fighting fraud."

Plus, people receive a barrage of daily fraudulent messages, comments, emails and other communications designed to draw in victims, making it hard — and exhausting — to remain in a constant state of skepticism and hyper-vigilance.

Reframe negative thoughts

Fraud victims often think negatively about themselves after they've been deceived.

But Asia Schmidt, a licensed clinical addiction specialist, says it's important for victims to normalize their experience. Instead of branding themselves stupid, for example, victims should remember that they're human, and that someone took advantage of them by preying on their emotions.

In general, reframing negative thoughts about their aptitude or character can be powerful. Schmidt, who is also the coach operations team lead for the AI-powered coach platform Wysa, encourages victims to take a compassionate approach by treating themselves like they would a friend.

"Often times we are harder on ourselves than we are on others," Schmidt says. "Giving ourselves that same compassion is definitely essential."

Seek peer and professional support

Experts agree that it's important for victims to talk about their experience, but note that victims benefit most when their conversation partner can demonstrate understanding and empathy.

The AARP Fraud Victim Support Group program tries to offer this by hosting free virtual meetings run by trained facilitators. FightCyberCrime.org also offers recovery groups specifically for victims of so-called romance scams.

Amy Nofziger, director of fraud victim support for AARP's Fraud Watch Network, says that many victims come to their first meeting feeling quite alone. Nofziger says that she's noticed participants' tense posture relax once they realize they're amongst people who know what they've endured.

Some victims may want to seek professional mental health support too. Deem says it's important to vet potential therapists by asking how they treat fraud victims. Unfortunately, she notes, some clinicians may believe stigmatizing myths about who can be deceived by fraud.

High-quality chatbot platforms, which have been designed specifically by psychologists to support a user's well-being, could be a valuable option for someone who can't or doesn't want to talk to a therapist. Such a tool might be useful when challenging emotions strike at inconvenient times, like the middle of the night.

Deem says that may be of particular interest to younger victims, but she would want any conversations about their experience to happen on trusted platforms that are frequently updated, reviewed by humans, and built with monitoring and intervention for comments related to suicide and re-victimization.

Deem adds that, regardless of where they take place, conversations about their experience shouldn't feel generic.

In AARP Fraud Victim Support Groups meetings, for example, people often express frustration and anger over not only being digitally robbed but also losing their sense of security and faith in strangers. Eventually, many victims recover, particularly after they've been able to reclaim normalcy in their daily lives.

"There is anger that these scams and these crimes are happening, and that someone targeted you," Nofziger says. "But then...eventually you hear peace."

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