The time The Criterion Collection released Kindergarten Cop… sort of

It’s not a tumor! More than a decade ago, The Criterion Collection included 1990’s Kindergarten Cop. Of course, since it was clearly an April Fool’s Day prank, Ivan Reitman’s movie would never make it to the beloved boutique label. But that doesn’t mean Criterion didn’t put all their efforts into their faux release.

For starters, it had absolutely killer cover art featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger in drawing form, complete with a childish coloring job. Flip over to the back of the box and you’d find a truly ingenious write-up that positioned Kindergarten Cop as far more complex than original audiences thought:

“Historically, the policier and the family comedy were two distinct categories. Then, in 1990, Kindergarten Cop gave us all a lesson in genre revisionism. With muscular sensitivity, Hollywood’s last action hero Arnold Schwarzenegger embodies detective John Kimble, who is compelled to go undercover as a teacher of five-year-olds in order to catch a ponytailed drug dealer. Though it’s distinguished by pulse-pounding suspense, a Crayola-bright palette by cinematographer Michael Chapman (Taxi Driver), and trenchant observations about education in the Bush I era, the film’s emotional center is Schwarzenegger’s gruff yet good-tempered interaction with a class full of precocious scamps, including a tumor-forewarning death-obsessive and a genitalia expert. By leavening a children’s film with enough violence to please even the most cold-hearted bastard, director Ivan Reitman shows that he refuses to color inside the lines.”

But Criterion didn’t stop there with Kindergarten Cop, even giving it a bevy of special features and a 5.1 surround DTS-HD audio transfer. These special features included a new commentary with then-Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, excerpts from a French TV interview with Ivan Reitman, a new documentary with famed detective Frank Serpico and San Francisco police legend Dave Toschi (played by Mark Ruffalo in David Fincher’s Zodiac), a piece on the imaginary cuts made to ensure a family-friendly rating, a mock review from iconic film critic James Agee (who died in 1955…), and more. While this would only be a prank, Kino Lorber actually gave Kindergarten Cop the Blu-ray treatment in 2024; sadly, the only special features were two audio commentaries and a trailer.

In 2013, Criterion selected 1984’s C.H.U.D. as their April Fool’s Day prank. Sadly, it’s been over a decade since they have done these, but it’d be cool if they got back into the fun.

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